I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
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MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Well, this is awkward
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.