Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Finally! 😈
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.