Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
This makes total sense…
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Leaving the Barbers like
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
But is it really??
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.