(by @ZachWeiner )
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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
and now we wait
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.