too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]