At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Finally!
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie