It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
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“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem