“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
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“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.