Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Do one person every day that scares you.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.