Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
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Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Bring back the McRib
She puts the hot in psychotic
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
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When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.