When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
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Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.