There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Shortcut
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin