kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades