Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
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I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?