Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”