*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
excuse me
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time