Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
lot going on here, legally speaking.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.