ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
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[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light