Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
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Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.