There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Art by Pastelkatto
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?