wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend