I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground