Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Well, that didn’t work.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.