once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
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If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
wow he looks just like him
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.