Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.