Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
no
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth