My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
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Siri: Retweet me.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.