I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
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keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Me trying to reach for my goals
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.