Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
You Might Also Like
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
s
oc
i
a
l
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.