KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
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A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I put the mess in domestic.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Wake me when AI does housework
he looks great for his age
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.