Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
tell em, edith-anne
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
forgive me baja for i have blast
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.