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Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works