i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
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*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*