Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.