The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
You Might Also Like
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.