I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.