What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Every house has this drawer
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will