“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.