there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
This hospital has everything
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Something Saturday.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole