@funTweeters I am at your service….
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People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Meat Cute
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married