I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
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Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Watson was Holmes schooled
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.