If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is