[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
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Croquettes are not female crocodiles
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I falcon love using swear birds
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”