if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?