okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
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If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
For anyone who needs this today