love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.