Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please