“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
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Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach