Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
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People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”