A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
3% human
97% stress
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message